Looky, a quotefile. In a departure from the past, quotes from non-humans (read- IRC bots) are no longer here. They've got their own quotefile now, which might be funny enough to be worth your time. If you're one of those people.
"You're like the John Hughes movie that was never directed, I swear to god."
--Lita
"Does this hindsight make my ass look fat?"
--Lita
"What's in here?" "The placenta. She's been saving it for 30 years." "That's why we're at the hibachi place."
--John (opening birthday presents from his mom), Meghan, Jenny
"Ugh, you dork, thanks for making me feel so white :P"
--Rowin (not so white), on http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com/
"She didn't even get up to puke? I think Phoebe may be an honorary member of Aerosmith now."
--Jenny
"You've got another one waiting in the wings?" "No, actually, that's my colon."
--Jenny, John
"Cancer sex is the best." "Maybe she'll wear one of those little paper gowns."
--John, Jenny, on Laura Roslin
"I've never seen you looking so Whitman-Walker Clinic fresh!"
--Meghan
"I'm playing Zeno's Paradox. With my pancake."
--Jenny
"Sounds like a quarky guy."
--Jenny, on Greg
"anyone bored get in av37 and show the O where its hand is w/ both ass"
--Fromel, uncharacteristically coherent
"He was right about the fluids."
--Sumana, utilizing The Hat
"You're the one who said she was a good person." "Oh. Uh. Sorry."
--John, Greg
"No, I don't think anything in English would convey it. Maybe if you had to carve up your own chest with a knife and set off a suitcase nuke just to get a root shell."
--John
"For some reason, giving a hug just seems like a sinister, lying gesture."
--Greg, correct
"Have you seen MRN naked?" "Yes!" "...that could be anybody!!"
--Alix, Diana, Alix
"I guess his boiled cabbage smell is kind of alluring."
--Dave
"Primer, the lube of your discontent."
--Sumana
"I need to take matters into my own hands." "I can help!"
--John, Diana
"Vulvas Ya Fun."
--John, quoting Diana's whiteboard graffiti
"You don't have to be a lesbian to enjoy slapping someone's tits really hard."
--Lana
"That's the guy that's trying to fuck me. But he fucked my dog instead."
--Diana
"I have a staaaaaain."
--Diana, wielding a stein
"I look like a lot of peoples' baby's daddies."
--Neall, not Kramer
"I don't wanna be in the line of Ranch!"
--Diana on Yancy
"I don't know what the hell you just deposited, but I choose not to make a withdrawal."
--John using another bathroom
"Sex is sacred- you need at least five people, like a minyan."
--Lana
"I just can't handle the 13-inch double-ender."
--Neall
"Lots of shit is imported. Irish Jimmy is imported, but you don't like him."
--John, choking on Zhitomirska
"I'm like Phoebe in female form. Er, human form."
--Lita
"Why do my lungs hurt?" "That's where your soul is."
--Dave, John
"Does ANYBODY know how to party better than we do??"
--John, helping emergency-move someone out of a bad boyfriend's house
"John, do you want to be blown?"
--Diana with a broken house fan
"So Israel was being Passover-aggressive?"
--loir
"We should bypass the liver and go straight to the bladder! Go! Go! Go!"
--Alicia
"Cockchopping is not the answer."
--Dave
"Those are not child-bearing hips."
--John on Samus Aran
"All the way from DC? Suckas."
--MC Frontalot
"I never leave a toilet clogged... that doesn't even compare with what I found in that Penn Station men's room."
--John
"What's he doing?" "He's playing Greg!" "I thought you played Greg with gin and tickles."
--Amy, Greg
"There's a vagillion forms of birth control available."
--John
"Oh, lick it! You know you wanna. It's dripping with tequila, lick it! That's so sexy! Wait, I didn't mean it to be sexy. Let's hide it instead."
--Lita, way too excited about Dave's margarita.
"Why can't you just look at porn, like a normal person?"
--Lana, in response to Dave marvelling at http://cornonthekabob.ytmnd.com
"That's some quality dialogue. Monologue. "I'm only eating these because they look like sperm." "There's actually a shortage of worms in my pants." "I also 'sort of' speak Russian, but nobody takes me to the vet." "Motorcycles are the tools of Sarah... err... Satan." "I don't want to take a drug that makes girls pull on my hair!" "You should talk to this girl, she has a dom streak I think you need." "When all else fails, bang some sluts." "I am *not* taking my pants off on Poop Island." "Wow! That is one huge cock." "Damn, I don't have an orifice I can put this in conveniently." "Violence is like XML. If it doesn't solve your problem, you aren't using enough of it." "Your momma's so old, she's in Debian Stable." "Unless satan has sneaky sex, and you didn't even notice..." "He's a cryptosexual." "Now that you mention it, I feel like I missed out if I didn't have sex with satan." "Your lips say one thing but the drugs say another." "Can't think, thoughts will eat me." "Did it smell then too?" "Yes, but you ate it anyway and you were drunk and you liked it." "You know, I really wonder about the mice who run your wheel." "There needs to be... more vaginal exploration." "Mmm, it burns good in my gum-hole." "Well japanese and mexican advertising are somewhat similar, lots of bright colors and nonsense slogans. 'In mouth, flavorful suns of color will happy!'" "And it would be a mattress." "But by that logic, I should date John." "You date John? What a waste." "E_BARELY_KNOWHER" "I wouldn't mind being showered with affection by a nubile girl who doesn't have any showstopping mental disorders and thinks I'd look hot in her aquarium tank." "I'm gonna go look sexy now." "I've got news for you babe. I was never cute." "Do you have anything you want to say to President Bush?" "I'm tired." "You want him to retire?" "I'd like to nibble on her... uh... ear." "Did you vote or am I gonna hafta hold you down while John shits down your neck?" "It's just to distract the guys, really. They can paw at my kids instead of at me" "It's sad that I still live with my parents and I'm better than you." "I didn't *know* Jeff Morris when I moved in." "He looks like Booger! How could you not know he was gonna be scary?" "You did it! You made me a lesbian!" "It's like licking an armpit. Only it makes her squirm." "I distinctly remember breasts." "When it comes to Sex, it has to be a Penis(tm)" "...one of my main traits in the hospital was to suck on other babies' heads. Other moms would ask that their baby not be put next to me :/" "It's the same way marrying a Jewish person makes you Jewish. Getting quoted on Fox makes you a conservative." "You could've just left it at my house." "Yeah, but then the hard drive would run off, and turn up later in someone else's laptop." "(singing) I've got a hat / on my head / on my head!" "Drunk as fuck or drunk as hell?" "Hmm, I don't remember..." "Well, buttfuck me with a banana cow!" "I've already had more than this, it's OK!" "Ever wonder if an octopus watches hentai and goes, 'Eeew, a schoolgirl?'" "I'm the only normal person in this house." "Choosy moms choose abortion." "Hm, who was telling me just the other day that it's a lifestyle choice..." "Being black, you mean?" "Women literally attach themselves to your arm when you go by, b/c they think that white men have big dicks." "The depression is a continuous background noise. Like the rattle of a cooling fan gone bad." "Ziggy, i will rip your stripes off!" "All meat curtains are good meat curtains, when you're hungry!" "Apparently nobody likes [Matrix] Revolutions." "Nobody likes dying either but that doesn't mean it's not going to happen to them." "No, this is [the most useless webpage ever]: http://bumba.net/~hmaon/useless.html" "That page conveys a sense of artistic longing for abstract contrast perfection, it's not useless." "If I had a popsicle stick, I could eat in the bathroom." "Do you like your women like you like your coffee?" "Bitter and in someone else's lap?" "I know you from somewhere..." "Yeah, I slept with you last night." "What? Kickoff? They don't start rugby matches by slugging each other?" "Well, I don't think she's getting any sex from you." "Yeah, well, if she were, she wouldn't like it!" "Ok, so you know how when the Titanic sunk, it split in half, and one half went down and the other half floated for a while? Avoid the downstairs bathroom until I've dealt with it." "The more clothing I take off the more I like you... see, my MITTENS are on! Stay away you freakshow." "I kindly request that you work it." "You'll have to put in a work-it order." "I just like Dick more." "There's only one thing perfect about him... turn around." "It's as old as boy meets girl (and beats her over the head)." "Speaking of which, when is Greg getting back?" "This Cam guy.. did you know he was such a dick?" "Well if she's going to bed I don't get anymore fridge nudity so I guess I'll sleep too... Hey, I got to get some action in this house." "Fridge benefits." "Yeah but fat looks good on a butt!" "fuckface man, fuckface man... fuckface man meets mucus man, mucus snorked and fuckface ran, fuckface man..." "I keep thinking 'nipples! nipples! nipples!' but it's not working!" "Have Lissa lick it off." "She can use the stripper trick to pick it off." "You know, if you play your cards right, you might get laid." "I like people to smell nice, not French." "Yours is the anti-cock, where mine is the cock of virtue and justice. I call him..." "Tiny Tim." "Jeff Morris: Like being Gay, without the Cock" "I wonder who wrote the book of love, and if they still collect royaltities, and if they do who the executor of the estate is, and if they are a woman, and if they are single and like tall overweight men with curly hair and low paying jobs." "I didn't like gattaca for a very stupid reason - I thought the inferior person should have just shut up and gone home." "Dude! We're *so* gang-banging Dave later!" "Confer with your plumber, tart! We demand additional carbohydrates!" "Which flavor is tit?" "Argh, dick hurt." "Oh, is Warren teething?" "SMACK MA' LICH UP! "Dammit, is this some kind of 80s movie where you don't dance until the climax of the story when you have some kind of epiphany and transform into a dancing hero?" "I don't know any good Hitler jokes that don't involve Lana." "I don't think you'd say 'mazel tov!' if you dropped a bowling ball on the bride's head." "The bugs in this cereal taste like cigarettes." "Yeah, so half the reason there was so much trouble getting him out was that he got all tangled up in the umbilical cord. [to Warren] Now I *know* you're mine!" "Ugh, these people created a new class just to contain either a -1 or a 1. If whoever wrote this crap was here, I would feel icky towards them. Even if I was drunk." "Maria is packing her bags for Rio" "How come he had a ferret cage lying around, anyway?" "Lissa." "Meaning that's the cage he used to keep Lissa in?" "I am the rock star on TV, I am the dumbass on IRC." "We childproofed our house, but they're still getting in." "He is probably sitting in a poodle of his own drool as we speak." "Would killing millions of nazis have been equivalent to killing millions of jews?" "If by 'nazis' you mean 'nice nordic folk who were just minding their own business, goose-stepping one day, and all these guys with bats and yarmulkes showed up...'" "Yeah, I bet I'd totally have a crush on Hitler." "I would sleep with Ash" "Brushing my teeth has always made me produce tons of music... er, mucus." "Can't sleep- Rob will dump me. Can't sleep- Rob will dump me." "Do me next! I want to be a lesbian!" "Nerds, coffee enemas, semen... it's all the same in the end." "stickymice: Hello Satan, how's soul biz? satan: esl plz stickymice: I'm sorry, is that some special language you Hell people speak?" "Shit, I made a circular argument. Now I want to say why it's not really circular." "* John sympathetically writes some circular pointers. 'how do you dereference a moron?' *flip* 'how do you dereference a moron?' *flip* 'how do you dereference a moron?' *flip* 'how do you dereference a moron?' *flip*" "If the bitches love you b/c they know you fix computers, press 4." "My jokes come from things." "My ass is even more virginal than my penis!" "Bitches love me 'cuz they know that I can roll." "I'm always nervous when I talk to Hairball online because I'm afraid he might be masturbating..." "Honey, let's go to the doctor's today and abort dinner." "Babies have this smell or something, that makes me want to chew on them. Like they're marshmallows or somesuch." "Would someone please remind me in my non-drunken state that Russian Pussy tastes good?" "Kraftwerk taught the machine to dance, but Stange taught the machine how to shut the fuck up and run this Perl." "Speaking of confidence, I don't know whether it's more disturbing to have a cat watch you masturbate, or have a cat completely ignoring you masturbating." "Depends on if you hit him." "And now it's time for the 'does anyone know what the hell Trombley's talking about?' game." "Can you jump out of a cake?" "I can, but not tomorrow night." "Martyr tummy... hid pigs of okra, dos." "No... my vagina is just orally challenged. Wait..." "Loose lips sink ships." "He's not really that bad a kid anymore. He's your standard 17 year old male computer geek minus the arrogance that high school tends to knock out of people." "He's going to be minus whatever it is that a blow to the solar plexus knocks out of people once John goes off the deep end." "John explicitly forbade me from dating his mom last week." "Well, that's for her own protection. He doesn't want you giving her yancy, after all." "Dave's allowed to date my mom. Or raw dog it and bail, whichever." "Give me some Gay!" "Don't go grabbing for the gay so quick." "No wonder there was an itchy spot in my crotch! Somehow a burnt sunflower seed from my bagel got into my underpants." "Maybe they have a magic dick that heals the sick. They're only looking out for your health, like Jesus." "No, that's only yours." "You want raw tongue? You can cut off Cam's and use that." "Hmm... well, I guess, it hasn't proven too useful so far." "Okay, how gullible do I look?" "Very gullible, but that's just because we know you." "* Jeff goes to his parents' house again to fuck their computer until it works. Er, fuck with." "Hey, can he grab your ass?" "Was Neel the guy at the christmas party who was all smooth-looking?" "Breakfast in bed on a first date? Please. More like 'bitch, get off my dick!'" "* xenon points out that she has slept with surprisingly few people on this channel!" "[The] brain's a useful sexual organ." "Yeah, but you have to penetrate the skull before you can fuck it." "Not that I've ever bitten off an entire penis." "But I don't look the same as I did when I was 5... my body caught up with my left eye." "I'm Ringo dammit." "I can't dump her *now*, I just named one of my Aeons after her!!!" "Yeah, just like when girlfriends freak out- ignore them." "I've been putting out all this time with hopes of getting on the chart, what a waste." "It's never been clear to me what qualities goth girls look for in guys..." "Think of it as a scale that's calibrated to Ash." "Besides gaunt, nasty, and emotionally abusive." "What is goth?" "Hoodlwag is when a woman has zippers tattooed on her labia and a zipper pull through her hood." "Water goes through that filter like ass through a plunger!" "Don't you want to have fun?" "I don't like fun." "Is this Saturday Night Live? But it's Tuesday!" "You can butt fuck- no wait. You can fuck your friend- no. You can't butt fuck your- dammit!" "'Name the person you think is most likely to die of a heart attack during sex. Explain why.' John, because he's so surprised he got some." "If I didn't have to balance this chicken on my head, I'd punch you in the mouth." "Really! I must take a look at this asshole!" "Ch-ch-chofia." "You're digging yourself deeper again." "It's not so much digging as a slow thrusting motion." "And that means I get to MUTILATE SOMEONE'S CHILDREN! That's GREAT!" "Yesterday ate my balls. Now I'm not half the man I used to be." "Do you know what your children are watching?" "I dunno, I've never been to Europe." "I dunno... I'm starting to think Rick is either repressing more, or he is at least bi." "Oh, he dates lipstick lesbians now too?" "Miso soup, gynecology- two tastes that've been waiting for each other!" "They're already rather alike." "'You got your fermented beans in my cervical mucus! You got *your* cervical mucus in *my* fermented beans!'" "My whole life has been dedicated to higher education and the environment." "We'll teach those clams to read yet!" "Zhenschini na mesto." "Just think- wet t-shirt on a girl who's *not* a skanky 15 year-old out of her depth!" "Yeah, maybe it's just because she looks like Sofia." "Dude! If I hit her with the sledgehammer, it'd be just like watching Gallagher, only it wouldn't be a watermelon." "Actually a brewer's yeast infection might have its advantages." "The name of today's operation is 'Big Game Hunters'" "Well, if it was my job to chop up horses, I'd still be in college." "Of course, the house of the Lord would be closed to me." "Afrobites - the convenient cereal-like snack for politically conscious members of the african diaspora. with every box purchased, $.10 is donated to refugee camps in Malawi, Burundi, and Ivory Coast." "Dude, Josh's mom would be hot, if she didn't look like Josh." "He doesn't want to have any daughters, because he's afraid he'd feel sexual about them." "Give me a @#$^@& Velichansky!!! Preferrably both, but I'll settle for the eldest." "See, this is because of all the atheists and feminists and queers on campus. And in Laurel." "Especially Laurel. Fromel alone has to account for 30% of the feminism and 80% of the queerness." "I don't see any poetry, I see only prose." "There was poetry. Maybe she became a better person and took it down." "The Itanic? It'll probably hit a ceberg and ink into the ea." "That's why I don't eat fetuses." "Because they don't taste like food, and you can't chew them?" "Why don't you have a man?" "Because I have a woman." "* Jeff not good enough." "No, it's just that I can't justify having sex with someone else while Greg is still alive and I'm going out with him... forget what I just said." "That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard." "I've eaten maggots... it's really not that bad." "Yeah, that whole marriage thing really makes getting sex difficult... they cut us off tomorrow." "...Mmm, candy..." "Ooh, I can stick it in your ear!" "Try it! Come on, try it! We'll see who goes down tonight, bitch!" "I go down every night, what's your problem?" "uh.." "Nothing wrong with a good subwank now and then. Man my left arm still hurts. Wait... those statements aren't related." "Yeah, you're right-handed, aren't you?" "Well, I had trouble with one girl tonight so I called a girl I hadn't talked to in a few months. After three years of undating, Lynn has found that special someone. And I'm happy for her, really. Wait, wtf am I talking about? Cunt." "Does it suck your dick as well as the floor?" "Hey, Lori, which one was the one that played that person in that thing?" "Julianne Moore." "Fuck! There's a hole in my sock! ...dear Liza...dear Liza..." "Got money, ain't looking for a cure/got money, doesn't care about the sick among the poor/got money, gonna by a RC helicop-tor/got money, gonna run it into a door" "Yeah, I'm on a no-goth-girl diet." "Praise be to Buddha." "I can't milk you when you're pregnant." "Yeaaah... get this... this'll be a great shot." "But don't you see, ballet *is* the Kung-fu of the dance world." "Even Gentiles decompose!" "What is the date of the weekend after next?" "Hopefully still Josh." "There's probably a real person there inside the layers of phlegm-flavored cotton candy, but I don't particularly want to lick through it." "So if we combined Lissa, Edmund, and John, we'd just get a giant neurotic narcissistic sphincter?" "He has a good head up his ass." "I think it's because you come across is so much less neurotic than most women we know. I'm guessing." "All that porn makes me want Starcrunches." "When your twat changes shape, START EATING!" "They won't hold you responsible... they'll be too busy tryin' to hold me down." "Yeah, if you amputate someone's head when they're having sex, it would hinder things, unless they're a chicken." "Or a girl." "I've already seen you naked once" "Me? What did I do? I didn't even bring it up!" "All quiet on the Lissa front." "Gimme a minute, I'm reloading." "You picked up the wrong 14 year old." "Yeah, pretty much." "Have you ever whacked off into a bucket of water?? You should try this!" "John, you're his mommy." "Probably more like his host. The momma Nuey came and laid its eggs in John, then he passed it out in his stool." "Say, I was thinking (as I was jerking off in the shower this morning) can we move all of my masturbation quotes in the quotefile under 'Hairball' instead? I don't care about the people who know me reading that stuff, but it makes it way too easy for a random stranger to dig up dirt from a google search." "Oh no, I'm getting way too many masturbation quotes..." "Stop talking about masturbation, then." "I ought to develop another field of expertise." "Hmm, there's an oblique idea... put some jello in a blender and use it to masturbate..." "Incidentally, I married the toaster. My new last name is... um... 'Proctor-Silex' (we're old-fashioned)." "So, uh, you're the bitch?" "You think she'd show me her tits for some Mardi Gras beads?" "Twenty ways to abuse women's panties. Want me to try to list 'em in under two minutes?" "(after a moment of silence) ooooooooooohhhh.... I figured out why marshmallows keep their heat so well!" "Sofia *is* pure! Not in a sexual way, but..." "At some point I was a woman and I was shitting on someone's picnic table." "Jesus, Mother of Christ!" "Man, I'm gonna stop wearing trenchcoats after the new year. It's just a phase." "Rowin, you're already married. Too late." "Oh, right, I get to have 'affairs' now." "Well, we didn't have any incense left, so I started using nachos." "If there's one thing you do before you die, masturbate with shaving foam. You owe it to yourself." "She's got shiny hair *and* she's a bitch, why can't I be her?" "I'm never quite sure what to do with the ones who look twelve." "Fuck 'em." "I *so* wanna take him up the ass." "Ron's molesting my can." "* hmaon finds a heart container." "Is it Alex's?" "Don't close the door, I might want to come in and watch you guys or something." "Beauty is skin deep, the rest is Styrofoam." "My machine is so fucking neurotic. It's like when pets resemble their owners, or something." "[Greg], how would you play the character?" "By mashing the [] [square] button..." "Now you get to make fun of my shitty perl." "John's perl walks into a bar. 'Hey, $bartender! Give me a $beer!' um... I'll think of the rest later." "Whoa, a necrophiliac porn story..." "The one with the dwarf?" "Yes, I'm bisexual, but since I don't talk about my sex life I don't see as it matters much... that should have been in quotes." "I washed your underwear, it's nice and clean now. Do you want it back at some point?" "I have plenty, though, so no hurry..." "I spent 200 hours playing F[inal] F[antasy] III. Don't you wanna grow up to be just like me?" "Oh, I never knew who lived in those houses." "People?" "No, headbangers!" "So, you think I should junction a bunch of waters to my math skill? I see..." "Try 100 Deaths. Refine them from 150 TAs. Er, no wait, that's 150 Profs. TAs give you Zombie." "If only you could show cute little kids having sex, you'd have the perfect advertisement!" "I'm not trying to seduce Jeff, I'm trying to seduce Rowin. I don't wanna lay any part of me on Jeff." "When the comet comes across the sky, only the faithful will be protected from the scourge of ramen." "You know, for the size that Jeff is... I forgot where I was going with that, Jeff's just really fat ... Chris is fat and he's got a baby!" "You've got something on your lip..." "Yeah, I know. You like it?" "I would love to be attached to Satan for my entire life." "Log temporarily out of service. Do not bother checking it. Admit you have a problem." "Can you spell what the Rock is cooking?" "Do you pick your nose with that mouth?" "...but Greg can show you his pair, they're just a different color and larger." "I don't wanna see Greg's pair, especially if they're a different color." "Yeah... his are tan, and yours are blue." "It's been weeks since I shot a cat." "'Were' as in 'becomes a squid when the squid-bane blooms and the autumn moon is bright.'" "Evil is the smallest set of ideas such that for every element of evil, there is some fucker out there who will make you hurt... then u(P) = sum(p),(N(p)/q)/|F|, where N(p) is the number of people that hurt for a given p, and F is the set of Fuckers." "Wake up chick, it's the 90's!" "Alex would be annoyed if we woke him up." "Yeah, he'd be a firebreathing crotchdragon!" "For Y2K you really want to have people like Alex around, you could live off Alex for a month!" "Dammit, there's no money, there's nothing good in them." "Well of course there's nothing good in them, there's no John in them." "The Lord's Pryer? Does it tap dance?" "That's the archangel that opens jars and things." "My balls are like Alex in a wrestling match." "Are your balls fake?" "Cars are like breasts." "You can eat them with beans and hotdogs." "Yeah, and your plan earlier was to grow wings out of your nipples." "That was a bad plan." "Debbie's rubbing her lick spot." "Why would I want to pinch her nipples?" "We must put him through... THE TEST!" "I think they call it 'titration'." "So, Rowin, is there anything you want to get off your chest?" "The nipple clamps?" "I may be barely faking it, but at least I *am* faking it!" "How long was Greg Russian?" "You know, blowing a guy just isn't as interesting." "Alan Greenspan lost $900,000 last year." "That's because he's not as good at fellatio as my dad..." "I could do the easy, entertaining one... but I'd rather do Sofia." "You have pretty hair. Do you shower every day now?" "That's me, in Lissa's cleavage." "Losing my religion?" "Yes, well, it's hard not to be intimiated by girls! Girls are so much more judgmental!" "*cough*displacement*cough*" "If I want your opinion, I'll whip it out and beat it with you." "You should eat lots of food right now and then do lots of hard exercise until you throw up. Repeat until bored." "Just stick it in my hole!" "Left nostril or right?" "Would you like some tea with that foot... Greg, that's disgusting, take it out." "So the NSA could crack DES with a basement full of Rabbis!" "Oh alright, you guys can live in your little confined, secure delusions of logic." "But the point is that I believe Church's Thesis for all practical (i.e. not writing a sci fi book) purposes." "...and apparently he'd had a few too many White Russians." "Yeah, and you know how it is with those white Russians." "Dammit, my porn is all Christ-y!" "Now get back in that oyster, bitch, and make me some Perl!" "Lori can you impregnate me." "Come here, Sofia, let me teach you how to drink from a cock." "So, what happened with the picnic idea?" "It went to have sex" "Oh. well, fuck that idea then." "That's okay, Sofia finds bagel bites more amusing than Rowin." "They left to 'have sex,' but I think that was a euphemism for something." "15 days to the end of the world." "Dammit, I should go get laid first..." "Just in time for my next paycheck." "If the stupid commie bastards want to breed killer super-pigs, it's their problem." "Lizards. Say lizards. If you say hair, I will be grossed out." "No forking in Denny's." "We are slowly realizing that decker is in every single commercial on MTV." "I'm not in this one cuz there's sex." "You couldn't catch a fish if I threw an egg." "I'll masturbate openly in public if I want to!" "Hmm, then what caused it? Just your general run-of-the-mille abscess? ... mill, pardon my French." "Should I be with TFBoogy or WouldYouLikeToSuckMyCock?" "You have a sidekick, your sidekick is a fairy." "Am I Batman?" "What does anal sex have to do with being gay?!" "Lissa, do you play with yourself?" "No..." "You should, doctors will tell you you should." "I tried, and it didn't work!" "See, that's my problem, I need a needledick." "Alex retreats further into the closet..." "Just the ones not lost in combat..." "Hey, get that hand off my breast!" "Get this bra off my head." "You're never going to be reproductive, no matter how hard you try." "I would like to state, once and for all, that I do not like penises." "Some skin is software than others." "Yeah, well, I'm six feet tall, and I fit in a car." "Yeah, but you're not rigid." "And whose fault is that?" "I'd just take her out back and ask her to whip me. If she walks away, I guess it wasn't meant to be." "HTML is like foreplay, except it's not important." "Would rabid purple wombats with flesh-eating bacteria cobered by gelatinous striped green and yellow fungus flying out of bumba's ears be better?" "No, dude! Shut up! That Porsche is from Ontario!" "Just tell me what you think would happen in a garden of eden setting where Adam and Eve are reaching puberty?" "Adam goes off to fuck sheep and gets eaten by a lion. Eve stays at home and masturbates every once in a while." "Will you take off your shirt and get down here!?" "See, we're still on Rt. 55!" "It's twizzlers! As soon as I go off twizzlers I start to have problems..." "Huhuh, I've got John's weiner." "One of them..." "Could you please ping me all night again?" "So, how 'bout them Redskins?" "I think they'll go to the Final Four this year." "I sweat to fucking god!" "You need to play more video games- they teach important real-life skills such as inventory management." "Is it electrified?" "Not currently, but it has the potential to be." "Hello Ash. I am hairball. I seek assistance. You see, I have this very disturbing hair problem. My hair is too long. It must be braided. Word has it that the one called Lana can tame the wild hair. Will you help? Ash? What are you doing, Ash? Ash? My mind is going... I can feel it.... Inflammation of the foreskin, reminds me of your smile. I've had ballanital chancroids, for quite a little while. I gave my heart to NSU, that lovely night in June. I ache for you my darling, and I hope you get well soon. asdf asdf asdf ASDF ASDF" "If Al Gore was Vulcan he could do the Vulcan neck pinch and this would be utterly devastating to my worldview." "Dammit, I hate it when I can smell my nads from here..." "God shit?" "Yeah, it's in these trashbags. Big shit. God's, you know." "Does it smell nice?" "Of course. Like roses." "I have chicken breasts." "Starship Captain: Has gonnorrhea, doesn't know it." "Well, where are you interested in stuffing it?" "Oh, and since we need to protect people... "It's the English class Ross is in. He talked a lot through the class and the teacher seemed to lavish him with praise, but I think she was just faking it." I don't think the true god would put an apostrophe in "Sundays" to make plural..." "Jesus is dead. We're waiting to see if he'll rise from the toilet bowl after three days." "Actually, I'd say the odds were approximately 5 billion to one against for Jeff being God, assuming everyone on Earth having an equal chance of being correct on the Jeff God/Jeff not God question, Unless Jeff has a cult of hidden believers somewhere. That would raise the odds slightly in his favor." "If anyone feels like arguing, I've got a topic. Resolved: Most of humanity is too stupid to live." "JF (verb) jay-eff: 1. Just Friend-ed 2. Platonicked 3. to be told "I just want to be friends" by someone who is giving you a hard-on. see jeff's schmuck test." "Oh, you could almost really be Catholic!" "Don't violate me, I'll get rugburn!" "If my friends were on a porn site I'd go visit!" "If I hadn't taken my pants off I wouldn't have been able to get to the top! The shaft is called all the way. It's very bad ... Well, it's painful, but I was glad I went all the way in it." "Do you want a cookie or an enema?" "Lori's can be brought on by you, me, the toaster, Frank Zappa..." "Prostitution is good!" "Yeah, Rowin, put your dick where your mouth is." "My horoscope probably says 'stay the fuck in the house and don't talk to anybody'." "You could use Sofia Logic and draw R.L. Stine." "I'm gonna have to go with Fromel, since then I could claim he raped me." "What's a circle jerk? No... I mean what are *these* circle jerks?" "How, exactly, were you planning to draw John Steinbeck?" "Chain me saw with a hose-butt!" "I thought all you 'composed' were nice big not hostile ones... isn't that why the toilet's always clogging up?" "They are from Lake Wobegon... where all women are strong, all the men are good looking, and all the children are hung like thoroughbreds." "We could grind up the Ciretose, package it in a jar, and call it Jeff Penis Butter...should we make it crunchy or *smack* creamy?" "Can't we all just get a schlong?" "You're going to eat your words someday..." "I *like* the way Marijuana smells... it reminds me of incense, and my home (mommy)." "OK, I changed my mind, nobody join anything. People don't really want you around." "Quotefile my left buttock please." "I've discovered a fundamental flaw in my plan to meet people. Lack of openings." "Three aren't enough?" "and thus I get to set out to the Santa Fe, or just 'the Fe' as it's lovably called around these parts to try out my new, and hopefully most powerful pickup line yet: 'hey baby, wanna join a listserv?' I can see the women now, flocking to me... Excellent plan!" "Stamping envelopes in a sexy Lego farm is still nothing but stamping envelopes" "I just expected more out of velcro, is all." "Oy...'renew-o-virgin'? What whiny sex-starved yet previously-laid schmuck came up with that? Does this mean that if one can have 9 self-induced orgasms within a 24-hour period, one has been 'honorary laid'?" "I can't press too hard- he's got springs in his ass and they'll break." "I pop them every night, but they keep growing back!" "Stop mooing. It's not surreal yet." "'God God Man?'... is that the secular humanist variant of 'Duck Duck Goose?'" "You ain't handled nothin' 'till you've handled frozen pig testicles." "It doesn't give him the ability to abuse his power on innocents because the world gave him a very small penis." "I don't mind sharing my dick with the internet so long as I may remain anonymous." "Okay, we'll call 911. We'll ask for the syphillis-stricken sheepfucker." "I hump a sheep, record what says, then play it back on IRC. Duh." "STOMP THEIR LITTLE BABY HEADS INTO THE GROUND!!!!" "He's the Devil himself. His touch is cold and he hungers for your soul." "Making no sense is trendy, asparagus pillows." "It's only a matter of time before Lissa suddenly gives birth." "I'm not paying for her, I'm justing punching her hole!" "There's *nothing* you can do to make me move south of the Mason-Dixon Line." "Wake up chick, it's the 80's!" "And geez, if you've got people about, you might as well use them." "Sometimes uncoolness happens, and all the butterflies die." "He was flirting with you at least twice before his system crashed." "Are you trying to seduce me, Mrs. Werbos?" "...a man's penis with a smiley face painted on it." "Oh, how sweet!" "Actually, I think of them more as either dumb or naive generally, rarely any negative feeling." "If you ever let a cow get near your tent... don't, like, let a cow get near your tent... cause like once a cow shit on my tent.. and it was bad." "No, Jeff, I will not rule at your side as Queen of the Dumbfuck Morons. I might be persuaded to be your retarded pet bear though." "Hi, I don't give a flying shit. Have an eggplant." "Well, you could start with a closed-leg policy with all of his friends." "We have an open relationship. I can date other men, and he can date his computer." "Take it from someone who's seen you naked, don't lose any weight." "No... no... to get thrown out of hell get caught with parts of a bomb and instructions on how to build it in your locker." "No thanks, I'm straight." "Rooooooowin! I want a hooooot doooog!" "He tries to give me a jump start, but nothing happens!" "It's not Celsius, it's Kansas!" "Tell her to watch 'When Harry Met Sally.' Then come to the realization that reality is everything but that." "Hey, my penis (as measured by RC5 keyrate) is bigger than yall's." "OK, it's like this Jeff, she was like Spain and you were that little country in the mountains that sells stamps and that Spain could stomp out like a bug, but you didn't mind so everything was cool, but you started selling, like, the new Marilyn Monroe stamps and bought an army and decided you weren't taking as much shit..." "My friend's butt will give you pictures of my friends." "...that'd give you a hydrogen atom a few million miles wide." "Match?" "My point being that you're a rude cocksucking sonofabitch!"
--John
--Lana
--Lana
--John, re: someone's stupid parrot
--Jeff
--Jeff, pointing at a drug ad on TV.
--Jess, to John
--Yancy
--Liz, expressing sensible and healthy personal boundaries.
--Yancy, to Meesh
--John, holding a USB memory widget.
--Ron
--John
--Jeff, Greg, and Lita on religion
--Dale
--Dave
--Dave, Lana, about pie
--Ariel, to Lana
--Jeff de Leon
--Greg, mixing Ouzo and oral surgery
--Jeff, Greg
--Meesh doling out dating advice to Dave.
--Dave
--John
--Dave, bearing wine and beret
--Dave, to Lita
--random woman on the street with her kid
--drunken yet nonetheless repressed John picking a favorite Wonkette body part
--Fromel, to Rowin
--Svetlana
--Geoff Ransom
--Dave, Geoff Ransom
--Lita the day after bringing the number of Dave's ex-girlfriends that didn't turn gay down to one.
--John waxing poetic about the female form.
--John
--Sofia with a new marketing idea
--Lana
--John, to a friend quoted in a Fox News article about sci-fi movies
--Dave, John on the Yancyhouse Infidelity +2 Buff
--Greg, John
--Fromel (wtf)
--John, making a Big Gulp Screwdriver (tm)
--Maria
--Greg
--Lana
--Lana, Dave, on gay marriage and the Congressional Black Caucus
--Rob, in Hong Kong
--John
--Fromel
--Maria
--John, Greg
--Greg, Jeff
--Jeff
--loir, John
--random guy at a hostel in St. Petersburg, Rowin
--Greg
--John, Greg
--John
--Lita
--Sumana, Jess
--Mike V.
--Meesh, re: John
--Jeff, Maria
--mutual coworker to Yancy
--J-Mo, Jeff A.
--hmaon
--Lita
--Dave
--John, Greg, prescribing cures for a Yancy covered in broken glass
--John's grandmother
--Fromel
--Jeff M, Jeff
--Jeff
--Jeff M.
--Lana
--John, with a bright idea
--John, to Maria
--Dave, to Lana
--Rowin, Jeff
--John, Jeff, Greg, spontaneously, in unison
--Greg, to John, on DDR
--Jeff
--Fromel
--Dave
--Rowin
--Lana
--Google
--Pat, John
--Jeff
--Rowin's father
--Rob
--Dave, John
--Lana
--Rowin
--Jeff
--Jeff M.
--Lana, looking to tap Dave's lesbifying powers
--Lita
--Lita
--Jess (writing a philosophy paper), John (writing a CS project)
--Rob
--Jeff
--John
--Lita, after mercilessly kicking Dave's ass in backgammon
--Lita
--Yancy
--Dave
--Rob, drinking ("I also drank a number of red-headed sluts that night...")
--Dave
--Jeff, Dave
--John
--Jess, Maria
--Dave (what? -ed.)
--Lita, Lana
--Yancy, Greg
--Yancy, Jess
--John
--Yancy, Rob
--Jeff
--Greg, Maria
--Jeff, Lana
--Ariel, Lana
--Jeff
--Fromel, to a Hard Times waitress, gesturing at John
--Lana
--Jess
--Jess
--Jess, Yancy
--Jess
--Fromel
--Fromel
--Yancy "Final Yantacy" Davis
--Maria
--Jess
--Rob, Lana, then Rob finishing the thought with entertaining timing
--Yimin
--Jess
--Fromel
--Maria, Greg
--John's grandmother, not understanding "reruns"
--Fromel
--Ron, John
--Lana, meeting Eddie
--Jeff
--Alex, Fromel
--Fromel, (accompanied by fists banging on table)
--Greg
--Jeff, Ron
--Rob, Dave
--John, Lana, Dave
--Parris Glendening, Lori
--Lana, stoit na kolenakh pered Johnom
--John, Rowin
--John, dodging the kitten
--Dave
--Greg, on Operation Enduring Whatever
--Greg
--Peter
--Lana
--Greg
--Sofia
--Maria
--Alex, John, on ostensible acts of god
--Lana, Greg, on someone's webpage
--Greg
--Fromel, loir
--Maria, to a random sleaze at Polly Esther's
--Jeff, Maria, Lana
--Rob
--Rowin
--Maria, Greg
--Fromel, John
--Yancy
--Dave, on Josh's $1500 vacuum cleaner
--Fromel, Lori, no context
--Greg
--Jeff, on Josh
--Rob, Yancy
--Ron, to Jeff
--Yancy, puking out of a car door
--Rob, to a dancer
-- Lana
--Lissa, Jeff, prescience
--Jeff, on Lissa
--Jeff
--Greg, on Lissa's younger brother Alex
--Edmund, to Lissa (moron -ed.)
--Greg
--Fromel
--Greg, on a mixture of liquor and social tension
--Jeff, Jess
--Jeff, to Josh
--Lissa, on wang
--Jeff, John
--Rob, John
--Fromel, enthusiasm personified
--loir and Alex, on Nuey
--Hairball
--Hairball, John
--Hairball
--John, Ron
--Jess, on Allison
--Ron
--Fromel
--Ana
--Greg
--Fromel
--Pete, with chemical additives
--Dave, Rowin
--Dave
--Hairball
--Allison
--John, Hairball
--Fromel
--Jeff
--Greg, Lana
--Ana, to Rowin and Sofia
--Jeff
--John
--Lita and Greg, who spends too much time with the Playstation
--John, Greg
--Daev, Greg
--loir
--Greg, Rowin
--Greg (paraphrasing an Eminem song)
--loir, Fromel
--John, Greg, after too much Final Fantasy
--Fromel, loudly, in a restaurant
--Debbie
--Alex
--Debbie
--John, Greg
--Lissa
--Greg
--Lori
--Greg
--Ariel, John, on gloves
--Meghan
--Alex, Were-Squid
--Dave
--Fromel, 1/13/00
--John, Jess
-- Cam
--Lana and Greg, as regards John's pants
--Lori, Jess (Richard Pryor bears a passing resemblance to Gregory Hines -ed.)
--Fromel, Sofia
--Fromel, Sofia
--Lori, Sofia
--Loir
--Fromel, regarding Lori
--Cam, Greg
--Sofia, John
--Joanna to Alex
--Fromel
--Fromel
--John, Dave
-- Fromel
--Lissa, honestlynotmeaningtobeinsulting, to Dave
--Lori, Greg
--Lissa, John
--Fromel
--Greg
--Ariel, Greg
--Ariel
--Dave
--Daev
--Dave Trombley, arguing with Daev
--Ariel, Greg (white and Russian)
--Rob
--James, to John
--Sofia
--Hairball
--Greg, Loir
--Lori
--Lori, regarding Sofia and Rowin
--Jess, John, Greg
--Greg
--John
--Loir
--Sarah, Jeff A.
--Fromel
--Ariel, following an unfortunate metaphor
--Hairball
--Jeff A.
--Alex, Neel, trying to guess the celebrity
--Fromel
--Fromel, Lissa
--John
--Alex
--Hairball, in reference to breasts
--Ariel, John
--Lana
--Lana
--Fromel
--John, Ariel, and Greg, discussing the movement of a cat tree
--Greg
--John
--Jahmal
--Greg
--Daev and Greg
--Ariel
--Hairball, after passing speed limit sign
--Hairball, discussing the clogging of toilets
--Hairball, Greg
--Ariel
--Ariel, Lana
--Ariel
--Greg
--John and Daev, punnus oblivioso
--Hairball, in a long-distance message left on (complete stranger) Ash's answering machine
--Alex
--Hairball
--Alex and John
--Ariel
--Ariel
--Ariel
--John
--Yancy
--St. Alex the Cynic, Patron Saint of Atheists and Agnostics
--Alex
--Alex
--Alex
--Sarah
--Ariel to John
--Lissa
--Sofia
--Lissa, somehow oblivious to sexual innuendo
--Ariel
--Jeff, on moods
--Lissa
--Greg
--John
--John
--John
--Fromel
--Jeff
--Fromel
--Alex
--Alex
--Neel
--Jeff and Neel
--Lissa
--Greg
--Greg
--Jeff, Edmund
--Yancy
--Lissa's father
--Yancy
--Jahmal
--Fromel
--Lissa, regarding her breasts
--John
--Alex
--Sarah
--Patrick
--Yancy
--Alex
--John
--Fromel, on abortion
--Greg, referring to himself while mocking Lissa's "Friends Page"
--Greg
--Hairball, after the sudden, unexpected birth of Lissa's illegitimate half-brother Christopher
--Ben
--Fromel, of Laurel, Maryland
--Fromel, 1993
--Lissa
--Lissa
--John, after meeting Armstrong for the first time
--Yancy, to Lissa's mom
--Meghan and Sofia
--Jeff M, regarding the rest of humanity
--Fromel
--Daev
--Fromel, on Italy
--Yancy
--Sofia
--Meghan
--Fromel
-- Fromel, to a female friend
--Sofia
--Sarah
--Fromel
--Fromel
--Greg
--Fromel
--Fromel
--Dr. Hearle, Rowin
--Fromel, to a drunk at a Cheap Trick concet